I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
