I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
birth control should be required to get into college
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
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