i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
