We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
