He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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