Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
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did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
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He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
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