i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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