the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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