laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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