Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
