The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
