he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
