whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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