Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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