she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
