I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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