If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
