Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
