When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
you never un-have a 4some
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
