I smell stomach acid.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
