ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
