Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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