how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
