I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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