And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
