So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
