i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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