feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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