I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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