i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Randomize
