I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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