Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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