she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
