Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
