just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
