I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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