the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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