hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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