hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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