why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
