My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
