You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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