i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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