Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
