My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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