I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
