So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight