If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?