I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"