He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
