Fuck appropriateness.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
