Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
