I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
