this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
