i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
whose parrot is this?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
