I'm sorry my penis didn't work
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
