woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he was CRYING into my vagina
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
