My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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